Aoshi: From the Heart
by celste
Summary: Look into Aoshi's mind during certain scenes in the anime/manga...Latest up: A Reason to Live--read and find out what it's about! Companion to Misao no Monogatari
1. Prologue: Warriors' Blue

Aoshi: From the Heart

Prologue:Warriors' Blue

Set to Aoshi's theme Warriors' Blue. Disclaimers apply. The songs is Sony Entertainment's, the characters are property of Jump comics and Nobuhiro Watsuki sensei. Only the made up 'lyrics' are mine(and they aren't that good either!)Listen to 'Warriors' Blue' while reading this!

All these years, I have changed so much  
Given my soul to darkness and such  
And nothing could awaken me  
Only being strong could satisfy  
Demon I became, betraying all my friends  
Throwing pride and honour far away  
Then sunshine came into my life  
And melted the darkness away  
  
Peace is what I still need to find  
With trust, I'll learn to love once more  
To forgive is what I have to do  
I've realized that I've been such a fool  
As long as she believes in me  
Cold and lonely I'll never be  
For happiness and love I've found  
And these will not go away  


Listen to what my heart says...

TBC...

The following chapters are not in order(yet), but they're my take on what Aoshi was probably thinking or feeling during those scenes/periods/whatever. I'm a terrible lyric writer, but since I did a songfic for the prologue of this series's Misao counterpart, I reckoned I should do something close to that here. Guess I'm the first to do something like that for Warriors' Blue, so C&Cs appreciated!


	2. Internal Battle

Internal Battle  
An Aoshi and Misao fanfic by Evon(Celste)  
11/02/2002  
----------------------------  
"Kaiten kenbu rokuren!"With a blur of movement, Aoshi left Okina standing seemingly stunned. The wooden doors of the cabin flew open and Misao stood there, panting and hoping that it was not too late, that the fight between the two most important men in her life had not started.

Aoshi could sense the hope in her ki, and he felt her relief when she saw he and Okina standing still.

"Phew," Misao sighed in relief, so softly that Aoshi would not have heard it had it not been for his sharp ears. He hated to disappoint her but he knew that her relief would not last for long. 'Hate me all you like, Misao, perhaps it will be better that way," he thought, his heart beginning to ache for her.

Three...two...one... Suddenly, Okina collapsed, blood spurting from suddenly opened wounds. Some of it splattered onto Misao, whose eyes had widened at the sight. 'I was too late after all..." How could she not be horrified? The foster father who had taken care of her and the man she loved had battled each other...and she had not been able to stop them. The reality of it was in her face, in Okina's body, lying severely wounded on the floor by the swords of the man she had loved so much and spent years searching for. Of course, there was also Aoshi himself, eyes dark and devoid of feeling, standing facing the wall opposite Okina's body. He was so different from the honorable Okashira she had known in her childhood.

Looking at Misao from the corner of his eyes, Aoshi noticed how much she had grown in the eight years since he had left her. Her eyes were wide with horror and disbelief, she looked so vulnerable. He had never seen her like this and never wanted to. He thought that by leaving her with Okina in Kyoto, she would be spared the agony of seeing her loved ones fatally wounded in front of her and of losing them. He had proved himself wrong, and for that, he was disgusted. Disgusted and angry at the, unfeeling and uncaring block of ice he had become. To have his own way and for revenge, he had betrayed and hurt the only friends and family he had ever known. The honorable Okashira the Oniwabanshuu had known would never have been so ruthless...

"It has already ended." He forced the words out of his throat. So it had. Everything he had known had ended, for all he knew. The life of happiness and love, warmth and sunshine, and his time as the Okashira of the Oniwabanshuu had ended and it was proved with the blood of his mentor who had guided and advised him on his hands. With all that, what honor and innocence Aoshi had left was done with, going with the life that seeped slowly out of Okina's body. Everything of the light had ended with the battle.

Seconds passed. Misao still stood stunned at the entrance. The pain on her face and tears threatening to overflow in her eyes made his heart hurt. The pain intensified the longer she stood there in his full view, with those sad eyes. Anymore and he would not be able to take it, would not be able to fight the guilt and pain that had surfaced. For revenge, he needed a cold heart, which Misao was threatening to melt. And then, he would have to kill her for standing in the way of his revenge. He did not know if he would even have the heart to do that.

Time seemed to stand still for centuries. When she still did not move, Aoshi turned his head to give her the fiercest glare he could muster, though what he really wanted to do was to run up and hold her in his arms, and never let go.  
"It's ended," he growled sternly. Then, he turned to face the wall and began sheathing his kodachi. If he looked at her anymore, his heart and expression of ice would melt, and he would no longer have the courage for revenge.

She still stood there, stunned, unmoving, mouth frozen open in a gasp. He turned and started walking away, unable to bear facing her, for it was only she who could look deep into his icy eyes and see the flame burning inside. If she wouldn't leave, then he would.

Instead of leaving, however, she stepped into the cabin, taking in the crimson sight before her--of Okina, lying in a pool of blood. Then, Aoshi stepped past her, his presence becoming more intense. A light brush, which caused both their hearts to hurt more than before, filling with longing, pain, and nostalgia for the better days long gone. His trenchcoat fluttered in the gentle breeze.

As he walked away, her heart thumped, but the more the breeze blew, the colder she felt. The warmth he used to give her was no longer there. "Why is it so cold?"  
A leaf floated past, away from her. Watching it, she realised that the man whom she had searched futilely for was, too, leaving her. Again. She could not let that happen.

"AOSHI------SAMA!!!" His heart jolted when she called for him. Again, the temptation to run back and wrap her in his embrace grew. It had been a long time since he had heard her voice. It was older, lower, but still familiar. And it could still raise his spirits as before. He paused for awhile, half deciding to turn back, give in to his instinct, and tell her it would all be all right. To proclaim his love for her, which had always been there, deep in his heart, growing stonger with the passing of every year. 

*But will she love someone like me? Can she? My hands are stained with blood. She's too pure and innocent for me, she deserves someone better.* His heart told him to turn back, that Misao would and did love him and always would, but his mind reasoned otherwise.

The leaves from the trees floated around, and those on the ground stirred, disturbed by the wind. They blew toward Misao, as if they were compasses, showing him where his happiness, life, future and salvation all lay. He fought with himself internally, longing to turn back yet aching to leave. The leaves now twisted and churned, as if symbolizing the storm brewing in him.

He came to a decision. Perhaps she wanted him to turn back to her and give her an explanation for his deeds. Or perhaps it was to simply return to her and never leave again. But everything had ended when he had fought with Okina, the man who had brought him up, mentored him, chosen him to be the okashira. Honor. Innocence. Righteousness. Dignity. He no longer had them, for he had chosen revenge over loyalty. He was not fit to look at her again, and did not deserve her waiting for him. She had her own life. 

They had both lived for eight years without each other. Life had been painful without her, and would still be. But there were people waiting for her at the Aoiya. She did not need him, and although it would hurt never to see each other again, it was for the best. For her. For his revenge. Perhaps in his next life, he would make up to her. He began walking again.

"Go," he told her, ignoring the intensifying pain in his heart. "Don't let me see your face again."

Then he walked away silently, Misao staring sadly after him, tears overflowing. The shadows hid the agony, guilt and longing that he unintentionally allowed to surface on his usually frozen face. 

The wind blew on.  
  
The End  
  
It's terrible I know! Just my personal insight into what was going on with Aoshi at that time. I never got to watch that certain episode of the anime(the series was yanked off air before it even got to that episode. Wah!) so everything's based on the manga. Hope you liked it!


	3. A Reason to Live

Aoshi: From the Heart

A Reason to Live

Disclaimers apply

It can't be true, although deep down I know it is...I've just denied it all these months. And now it explodes out of me, closing over me like a tidal wave. What he--Battousai--just said...it's the truth, and I have to be a man, and face the fact.

A drip of blood, staining the white floor red. Battousai still will not loosen his grip on my kodachi. I can't attack again...can't deny again. But it's helping me to regain my consciousness

Hannya...Shikijou...Beshimi...Hyottoko...I've made you demons, and again I'm sorry. You can say I was blinded by darkness, and indeed I was...the strongest is just a title after all, honour is more important. After all that I've done...killed Okina, turned my back on Misao, murdered the innocent, convincing myself it was all for the four of you...I've lost my honour. I have only my life left. 

And live I have to, as I have a reason to live for. If the Oniwabanshuu wants me back...if she still-- 

"Aoshi, do you know? Misao has taken the title of the present Okashira of the Oniwabanshuu...After your death battle with Okina-dono, to protect Kyoto and the Oniwabanshuu, to replace you, she has taken the challenge of being the Okashira." 

Has he read my mind? To mention her while I'm just thinking about her...I remember her face the last time I saw her...after that battle with Okina. Full of fear, but hope and longing. I could have turned back and embraced her. But I walked away without a word. She must have been upset. 

Now, the responsibilities that come with being Okashira lie with her as well. She must have done a good job, Kyoto was not burnt down just like Shishio planned. It isn't easy to be a leader, I should know. If I hadn't turned against them...if I hadn't killed Okina...if I hadn't left her, maybe she would not have had to do so... 

"Misao...is a strong girl." I say what I mean. I had come to love that strength, in mind if not in body. But I never wanted her to live a battle and blood filled life, just as I had...the Bakumatsu is over. What she deserves is a life of peace and happiness. Being Okashira will spoil all that, does she know what she's getting herself into? 

"Although I never liked her having anything to do with the Oniwabanshuu, I believe that she will have a happy leadership." A lie, betraying my heart. Many dangers come with the title of Oniwabanshuu Okashira. However, if it makes her happy...as long as she continues to smile... 

"Is that so? When I promised that strong girl that I would bring you back, do you know that large drops of tears flowed down her face?" 

I don't believe it. It can't be. You seldom cried, Misao, and definitely not large tears. But for me...all for me...all because of me. How can I ever repay you for those tears? 

"No matter how strong you say she is, she is still sixteen. I believe that she gritted her teeth and did her best in the midst of this harsh reality. The only thing in this world that can compensate for, and right those tears, is you, and nothing else." 

He's read my mind again, do we really think alike? And he's also answered my silent question. 

"Even with that, Aoshi, are you still running away from reality? Are you still pretending that you need to prove that you're the strongest to make up for the four men who died, and escape in 'death'?" He's yelling by now. No, no, and no! He doesn't know what I think after all! 

"Regain your strong heart! And call back the honour that you lost! The time that stopped at Kanryuutei moves now! The time to wake up is now!" 

How true, but he does not have to tell me. Does he think that lowly of me? Angrily, I tightened my grip on my kodachi, which he had let go of, and hit him in the stomach with its handle. 

All is silent. No sound of dripping blood, only of my heart pounding in my chest. It was as if darkness had lifted, and sunlight had returned. I stared at the nearby bookcase. 

We do think alike after all. I can't deny it. Just a moment ago, I would not think twice about dying...my job would be done...after the title of the strongest is won...however he has voiced what my heart knows, but doesn't dare believe. 

I can't die now. There's too much to live for. The four of them died so that I would live, and I can't let them down. Being the strongest is not everything. Besides, I still have her...I still have to make up for her tears, and the near-decade that we have been separated. 

I need to go back, to be the Okashira, to let her lead the happy life she deserves. She is of light, not darkness. To lead in darkness is not meant for her. Perhaps then I can fully regain my own light...find my salvation 

"Aoshi..." 

I turn, will to live renewed, seeing the light once again. The battle needs to be continued, but I'm not afraid. 

I can't die, and I won't die. I have someone to return to...someone to live for. 

Owari 

I know Okina does not die after battling with Aoshi, but my take is that, Aoshi thinks he's dead.  
A weird thing--it seems easier for me to do Aoshi than Misao POVs! Don't ask me why...  
Good luck to all those taking their exams, and I regret to say my school starts exams only in Term 2 wk 9 and 10 (13 to 23rd May) so I won't be putting up any new fics or chapters until the exams are over. But rest assured--I'll Be Back!  
Before I forget, please C&C, I have a measly 2 for this series of fics! 


	4. Don't Run Away

60 Second Vignette Challenge

Don't Run Away 

by Celste

Why are you running away? You seemed so surprised to see me at the entrance of the Kamiya Dojo--surprised but glad. The last thing I expected you to do was run away from me...after you read Okina's letter. But what was I expecting? I don't know...somehow, you've grown up so much, while still staying the same. Somehow, I don't understand you that well anymore. Your mind is no longer that of a simple child, easily pleased.

It's hard getting used to. I wasn't there to watch the strong little girl you used to be grow up into an even stronger woman. I wondered if the bond we shared so long ago was gone...broken, obliterated by the years that passed and the dishonourable deeds I've done. But you never cease to surprise me. Just like now. In the months that have passed since I came home from Shishio's abode, I have gotten to know you again.

And I've fallen in love with what I see.

Don't run from me. You never used to. Not even after what I did to Okina, although I asked you to leave. You never liked being separated from me, Misao...even when I wanted you to run so that you wouldn't be drawn into that mess I created when I abandoned my humanity to become a shura (demon), and so that I would not be forced to kill you, you did not. So why do you run now, when all I want is for you to stay? To stay with me, look into my eyes, and see how much you have changed me?

I know I'm smiling...seeing you always returns the smile to my face, for you're my light and my (dare I say it?) life. Don't run...do you know that you take my smile away whenever you go away or cry? Your face is not meant for tears...it never was. You've tried so hard to make me laugh, but all that comes undone whenever you cry because of me.

As long as you smile for me, I'll smile for you.

I want so much to run after you. But I know you will calm down and think it over in a short while...and I know you'll return to Kyoto with me. You've always been like a sudden storm on a sunny day--a flash of lightning and thunder, and all is over, a rainbow of smile lighting up your face, making things so much better. You've always been the rainbow which calms and soothes the storm inside me, adding colour to my dark life.

That storm is fading, welcoming daylight and sunshine into its darkness.

Think it over, I'm sure you'll realise soon enough that Okina never forced me to come to Tokyo. Whatever Okina wrote in the letter that upset you is only part of the story. How can I explain that I came here to bring you home to Kyoto not just because he asked me to, but because I was starting to miss you...starting to worry about you? You know me well enough--I will never do anything I don't want to.

What I really want right now...is for you to stop running away and fall into my arms, just like you did when I came home to the Aoiya...and go back with me. 

You try to clue me in to your feelings for me, but I've known about them long ago. It's just that I didn't realise how deeply I feel for you until you went away. I'll make you happy this time, and you'll never want to leave again.

They don't say "Absence makes the heart grow fonder" for nothing. And I never knew how true it is until now.


End file.
